[Update] What happened and why I’m still alive

Yes, I disappeared.

There really is no other way to put it. To be honest, I wanted to write a bit more, but certain things happened in real life, and to make a long story short, someone very close to my heart died as a result of end stage cancer. It was a sudden diagnosis, and her course was just as swift — lasting only two-and-a-half months from diagnosis to the time that she passed away. Since then — and even up until now — I’ve been living in a strange, surreal world that feels off-kilter. Like something is missing, and I can’t put a finger on the sort of emotions I’m feeling.

I picked up a rather prophetic book before all of this happened: Haruki Murakami’s “Men without Women”. It’s ironic, looking back at it, how I purchase that book simply because I admire the author. Little did I know that I would become one of the characters in the very same novel. Regardless, I knew I had to read the book, and true enough, I’ve found some semblance of clarification in the sort of emotions I’m feeling. But the emptiness remains, and probably will remain for a while.

Maybe I’m depressed. That wouldn’t be surprising. But then I felt the need to write. I tried picking up a journal and I’m currently working on it, but then I felt the need to get back into watching anime. Probably not as actively as I used to — striving to inform readers about the must-sees of the season — rather, something a bit more reflective and “me-centric”.

Hence, I decided to pick up watching March comes in like a Lion again. I feel like there’s something in the series that I can relate to more earnestly, given I’ve always looked at the series with a clinical eye. I see patients with depression on a day-to-day basis, so it’s easy for me to look at characters like Rei as a clinical case. But there’s something disingenuous about looking at the show this way — and as much as I know I’ve said I loved the production, I feel the urge to watch it again, if only to find solace in what it means to actually nurse an emotional scar.

This is a deeply personal entry, and pray I ask you humor a sad individual like me who has found himself caught in a quagmire of sorts. But I think this is the first step towards healing. Of course, I will interject a couple lost in translations and editorials as I go, but my focus will be to look at March comes in like a Lion and reflect on how its morals speak to me on a deeper, personal level.

So with all that said, guess that means: I’m back.

2 thoughts on “[Update] What happened and why I’m still alive

  1. David Boone (moonhawk81) October 2, 2018 / 08:25

    My condolences. If I can lend a shoulder or an ear, know that you have them. And, awkward as it must sound, welcome back–we’ve missed you.


  2. Scott October 2, 2018 / 13:06

    I’ve lost people from cancer and well recently and it’s not a fun time at all. I understand exactly what you’re going through because I’m still going through it. Just take it day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. That’s all I can say. Glad you’re back though.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s